Not sure anymore

Sometimes I feel that its better to be alone then to have a  partner with you or someone that is really close to you that is the opposite gender. I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way but I’m in they way feeling like that. Maybe because it uses a lot of your emotion. Sometimes I feel its a good feeling having someone that actually looking after you and care for you. Maybe I’m just not used of people taking care of me or maybe it just save all the heartache and headache.

I’m not sure if people realize this about me. But I assume the people do know it that I am an achiever. I strive hard, I work hard and push hard just to achieve something that is  now my education and stuff that I have to handle recently. The stuff that I have to handle is something that if offside actually. My main objective in a university is study and that’s all but seems like I get myself tangle in a web of things that is hard for me to do. Its not that i cannot do it, its just to much to do and I’m pouring all my energy and my heart out in each and everything that is there to do which is very tiring indeed.

For people that don’t really know this one fact, and its a very sad thing that I do. I actually sacrifice love in order to achieve something. namely all the above that I have stated in my upper paragraph and sadly, I get so used of it that I thought I don’t really need it. I give out love as much as I can and I really really like doing it. I give but don’t receive, its ok by me.. I admit, accepting love it is really a bit hard because of my previous statement before. But I’m not rejecting love a hundred percent. I’m just putting it on hold for just a while. I do want to fall in love and start a family of my own in future. Just not now.

I know some people will say, what kind of a person who rejected love. How about when there is a person who is willingly to offer security, his world and his love. Will you reject him as well? answer to that question is, I’m not sure anymore. In my mind, I always thought that no want to be with me or assume it to be so and this somehow would make my life a bit more easier and it did. But now, like I say I’m not that sure anymore.

All I can do now is just let it be and see where d winds blows..

 

 

A tangle web in my head.

More and more each day, I begin to feel tired with my routine. I woke up then I do a little thing for myself like playing games or anything that interest me. Then in the middle of the day when I think I should start on doing my work, suddenly I was told or I just realise I got something to do. Thinking that I might have time to finish my work by the end of the day but sadly by the end of the day, I got so tired on what i was doing for the whole day that when I reach home all I want to do is sleep and rest my body and I never had the chance to actually sit and do my work. This really worries me a lot..huhu

That is one problem that I’m facing this holiday. Another problem is, I have so much to do, I don’t know which one to settle first or I do know which one is more important but how do you manage when everything that you are require to do, all have to be hand in the same week or the same day. Really exhausting! or maybe its just me.

Some people… no a lot of people tell me “you have to learn to prioritize” my respond was. I know! don’t you know I’m trying really freaking hard to do it. But of cause I don’t say it like that in front of them. Nanti sakit hati la pula.. Main point is I’m trying but my ‘trying’ is maybe not good enough for some people and I do feel that my ‘trying is not good enough’ Do know how depressing that feels? Gosh!

My head now is like a tangle web of spider. Even the spider web is not as tangle as my head. If they were, the spider will die in its own web. Seriously! and that is how tangle my head is. I have a lot to catch and do at the same time its like here and there stuff that is to be done. Wanted to seek for help from my friends but this thing that have to be done can only be done by me and no one else. This  is so frustrating…

More and more, I feel like I’m losing myself. Seems like I don’t have enough time for myself. God grant us 24hrs a day to spend it and they say, its more  then enough. But I say, 24hrs is not enough unless you’re a ‘bat’. Not a ‘bat’, a vampire more classy..hahaha but the kind of vampire that don’t sleep in the morning also. Then 24hrs is enough to do all that is needed to be done. But sorry to shatter all that beautiful dream of wanting to be come a vampire so that I could actually have enough time to finish my work because I’m a human being that need sleep and pretty much a fish and veggie eater then a blood sucker…hahaha

Gosh! merapu-rapu me in here..hahaha

Anyhow and anyway, I have to stop now. If I keep on complaining and pouring my heart out in this blog, the place ain’t big enough and my finger is not fit enough to type so many stuff in here. Then why the hell am I posting this then?

Hey they say its fun to write down your feelings sometime. Maybe I am doing it right now…

What else to say

     I just finish my debate training for today and i feel really beat up. The fact that I'm typing in something here instead on laying on my bed, having a good night sleep, I am actually trying to keep myself awake because I have a lab report to submit tomorrow morning... YEAH!! Gosh! I'm trying to be positive here, give me a break. 

   Well somehow, sometimes writing keeps me awake if i have a lot of stuff in my head. However, most of the time, it make me sleepy as well. I used to have a passion on writing when I was in high school but like all the other stuff that I'm interested in doing, the passion has died along the way. I hope debating will not be like that. I have to admit that my passion towards debating is fading slowly and I don't want that. I am struggling on trying to keep my passion on debating alive. The only thing that keeps me going in that club is that I don't want it to close down. I want people to gain and experience what I have experience when I was in the club. 

   I used to be active in sport during my high school life but now, I'm no longer active in that area instead I'm more active in the academic stuff which is the opposite me while I'm in high school. Academic is something I am really weak at. Its like I only study to pass the exam, which is very wrong to begin with. Up until now, sadly to say, yes I am bored and tired of studying. But I also know that I must be crazy to think that way. If I stop now, I will waste a lot of my parents money that they have invested in me and I don't want that. So it goes back to me trying to find passion in what I do. 

   I always believe that in everything that you do, you got to put your heart into it. Really put your heart into it and I've been doing it a lot to a whole lot number of stuff that I've been doing. But maybe by putting your heart in it a lot, you'll find that it is very tiring. Maybe thats what happen to me. I was really tired on putting all my heart to do a lot of stuff in one time. Gosh! right now, I really have a very rebellious feeling. I need to sooth this feelings..Retreat to my song bank and find a little peace to calm this raging heart of mine. 

   

Quitting is not an option

   So much to do, so little time in hand :-( I'm feeling a bit down about today. I wanted someone to tell me that everything is gonna be okey. There is someone who is telling me that is gonna be alright but problem is, I just can't believe him. Right now, I'm starting to believe that I am unable to do a lot of things. Why? this is the question I  always ask myself. Back in the past, I use to believe that I can do anything despite how hard that matter is that you just have yo believe in yourself and everything would be alright. But now, I'm doubting myself weather or not I am able to carry such burden.  

   Everyday, burdens are getting heavier and time is getting more limited. I wanted to do everything. I wanted to solve every problem that the people that is around me are facing. Problem is, I'm no superhero or a person with superpower. I'm just human after all and I need time to rest. Even superhero gets his/her rest. What more a normal people like me. 

   I know to some people, I may look like I have the power to move a little bit, to make things happen but my power are limited and there is nothing much that I can do. Maybe, I needed a rest to calm my hectic mind which now sometimes makes me unable to think straight. I needed a vacation where there is no burden to be carry. Just for a little while a short rest n I'll be alright again. Even if I cry buckets of tears, even if my heart is breaking because I was unable to help the people around me that is suffering, and even if I wanna tell that its too much just give me a break, people wouldn't notice it. Because I don't want people to know so. Bottom line, I needed a rest and it will be alright 

   Why don't I quit all of this? people might ask me. But this is my respond to that. I cannot quit because I was not raise to quit half way. I was born and raised where quitting is never an option. There is only move forward and swallow the bitterness and find other way to complete the task. Quitting is not an option.       

I need to be stronger

   I'm really, really sad right now :( I wanna cry..huhuhu I will all come to and end because Firdausi ( My Echoes Club advisor) is really pissed off.. Gosh! I didn't mean this would happen. I'm sorry. I should have defended on not to go ICRC tournament..I feel like I am cut into pieces.. huhuhu The moment I look at d massage that he send to me through FB I know something is wrong really wrong. He was using a lot of  '!' and capital letter... and now I'm feeling really, really bad and I wanna cry. I want Echoes Club to move froward and not backward but it was not to be..i wanna be good. I wanna be really good that when opponent see our name, they would think that we are not an easy target... I feel really, really embarrassed wen we loss every round with other university and there are opponent who said to us that they are against with a high school debating standard..Do you know how humiliating that is. How I want to die at that moment because i know what he is saying is really true. I want to cry at that moment but i know i can't. I know i have to be strong. Strong enough that i could lead Echoes Club to its once glorying name. I don't want it to die. I want Echoes to live again..and i know, to achieve this, it require a lot of hard work. Please, please, make me stronger to carry this responsibility.. I really need to be stronger :(  

Song that mess my head in the wee hour

   Sitting on my bed at this hour (2.14am) while listening to oldies song (Bobby Vinton- I Love How You Love Me) makes me feel so nostalgic. Feels like im leaving in the 50's. I can't help but to wonder about the differences in man at that time and now. I'm not saying that the man now is no good. but i'm saying that in that old days, man are more of a gentleman then now. How when you love someone so much you will fight for them with all you got.  

   However, if u think back, that year of our parents was born, those time were the time where arrange marriage are something that is a common thing to do. Maybe thats why at that time people are really fighting for their love. There is a saying that people will want what they cannot have. Maybe in this case it applies. But look at us now, we casually said 'I LOVE YOU' simply to people that we don't really know weather or not we are going to be with them till the end. Whats more sad is when people who wants to find a partner just for the sake of playing their hearts. Well this is my shout out to those people, if you are being with a person for the sake of breaking their hearts, then you are gonna face a bigger heart break then that person that you just break his/her heart.

   Gosh..listening oldies in this wee~ hour really mess your head up..well got to go now...i'm gonna need some rest now...

No one say life is easy, they just promise it is worth it.

   "Every beginning has an ending and every ending is also the beginning you just don't know it at that time" this quote i get from The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom. A story of a guy who tried so hard to find where he belong. To go out from the place where he grew up and find a place where he could call home, far away from the place he grew up. But at the end, the place where he wanted so desperately to leave is the place where he called home. I'm afraid that I'll become like this guy. But at least, in the his soul found home. What if, we never find where we belong? What if, we spend our whole life finding for something that never be realize or found? A question where we asked ourselves pretty much every time it crosses our mind. 

   Life ends when we don't want it to end and  it continues and keep going when we want it to stop badly. Why? Another mystery that makes life more interesting and colorful. We never now where life might lead us in future. But we do have a saying on how our life is. They say God has a plan for all of us and thats true. And it is also true that he give us choices to choose which road to take. God never leave us. He is always there whispering to us, guiding us and showing us the way. Only that we tend to ignore that soft whispering that were suppose to guide us and when it end up into something bad and we blame God for it. Actually if we think carefully, nothing is bad. Things that happen badly, is all in our head. Because when we think its bad, it will be bad and if we think its an experience that no one ever went through but you and it teaches you to grow up, then the bad, won't be so bad at all. Instead it will turn into something valuable. I believe that in this life if it is all sweet and no bitter, it will be really dull. Same with, if there is no darkness, theres no light. Everything is balance only we don't see it that way. 

   We are like an artist, painting a master piece of how our life is and God is there looking at us painting and guiding us if we ever were lost. while we were painting, there are times when we want to give up because as an artist, we want our master piece to be the best there is when it finishes and when the creativity in our head has run out, we stop. But don't let it stop there, just take a rest, drink a cup of tea to calm the restless soul and when we are well rested, and we are ready to stand up again, continue painting with patient and wisdom and most importantly, put your heart in it.  Because at the end of that hard work, when we step back and look at the final picture, we realize that it is just worth it.