Not sure anymore

Sometimes I feel that its better to be alone then to have a  partner with you or someone that is really close to you that is the opposite gender. I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way but I’m in they way feeling like that. Maybe because it uses a lot of your emotion. Sometimes I feel its a good feeling having someone that actually looking after you and care for you. Maybe I’m just not used of people taking care of me or maybe it just save all the heartache and headache.

I’m not sure if people realize this about me. But I assume the people do know it that I am an achiever. I strive hard, I work hard and push hard just to achieve something that is  now my education and stuff that I have to handle recently. The stuff that I have to handle is something that if offside actually. My main objective in a university is study and that’s all but seems like I get myself tangle in a web of things that is hard for me to do. Its not that i cannot do it, its just to much to do and I’m pouring all my energy and my heart out in each and everything that is there to do which is very tiring indeed.

For people that don’t really know this one fact, and its a very sad thing that I do. I actually sacrifice love in order to achieve something. namely all the above that I have stated in my upper paragraph and sadly, I get so used of it that I thought I don’t really need it. I give out love as much as I can and I really really like doing it. I give but don’t receive, its ok by me.. I admit, accepting love it is really a bit hard because of my previous statement before. But I’m not rejecting love a hundred percent. I’m just putting it on hold for just a while. I do want to fall in love and start a family of my own in future. Just not now.

I know some people will say, what kind of a person who rejected love. How about when there is a person who is willingly to offer security, his world and his love. Will you reject him as well? answer to that question is, I’m not sure anymore. In my mind, I always thought that no want to be with me or assume it to be so and this somehow would make my life a bit more easier and it did. But now, like I say I’m not that sure anymore.

All I can do now is just let it be and see where d winds blows..

 

 

A tangle web in my head.

More and more each day, I begin to feel tired with my routine. I woke up then I do a little thing for myself like playing games or anything that interest me. Then in the middle of the day when I think I should start on doing my work, suddenly I was told or I just realise I got something to do. Thinking that I might have time to finish my work by the end of the day but sadly by the end of the day, I got so tired on what i was doing for the whole day that when I reach home all I want to do is sleep and rest my body and I never had the chance to actually sit and do my work. This really worries me a lot..huhu

That is one problem that I’m facing this holiday. Another problem is, I have so much to do, I don’t know which one to settle first or I do know which one is more important but how do you manage when everything that you are require to do, all have to be hand in the same week or the same day. Really exhausting! or maybe its just me.

Some people… no a lot of people tell me “you have to learn to prioritize” my respond was. I know! don’t you know I’m trying really freaking hard to do it. But of cause I don’t say it like that in front of them. Nanti sakit hati la pula.. Main point is I’m trying but my ‘trying’ is maybe not good enough for some people and I do feel that my ‘trying is not good enough’ Do know how depressing that feels? Gosh!

My head now is like a tangle web of spider. Even the spider web is not as tangle as my head. If they were, the spider will die in its own web. Seriously! and that is how tangle my head is. I have a lot to catch and do at the same time its like here and there stuff that is to be done. Wanted to seek for help from my friends but this thing that have to be done can only be done by me and no one else. This  is so frustrating…

More and more, I feel like I’m losing myself. Seems like I don’t have enough time for myself. God grant us 24hrs a day to spend it and they say, its more  then enough. But I say, 24hrs is not enough unless you’re a ‘bat’. Not a ‘bat’, a vampire more classy..hahaha but the kind of vampire that don’t sleep in the morning also. Then 24hrs is enough to do all that is needed to be done. But sorry to shatter all that beautiful dream of wanting to be come a vampire so that I could actually have enough time to finish my work because I’m a human being that need sleep and pretty much a fish and veggie eater then a blood sucker…hahaha

Gosh! merapu-rapu me in here..hahaha

Anyhow and anyway, I have to stop now. If I keep on complaining and pouring my heart out in this blog, the place ain’t big enough and my finger is not fit enough to type so many stuff in here. Then why the hell am I posting this then?

Hey they say its fun to write down your feelings sometime. Maybe I am doing it right now…