Boxes

My mind are organized in boxes,
So that I don't mix around my thoughts and feelings.
There are sad box and happy box.
Tonight another sad box are created to be pun with the other sad boxes of my life.
The because I know I'm not perfect and I'm sorry for hurting you box.
When I think of who I am, I'm thinking that I don't deserve with anyone.
I have flaws  in every possible aspect of my life.
In every imperfection of who I am,
Someone is willing to accept me,
And i'm grateful for that.
Is it right to put expectation on the person you love?
Maybe its wrong to expect form them.
Why because a person once told me that,
In a relationship if you put expectation, then it will sooner or later crumble down.
I believe in that.
Did I change?
Am I being who I am?
Am I demanding too much?
I'm starting to think that I'm a pest in a person life.
But then again, sometimes you have to demand so that people will know what you want.
I'm not sure of anything anymore.
I cried because I feel what I'm saying is not being understood.
I cried because I know I'm hurting him badly.
I cried because I was me.
Both of us want it to end,
The dissatisfaction, the tension between us.
But I was hurting no matter what he says.
And when he reads this post,
He will ask himself 'is he good enough?'
I am sad because I don't deserve him.
He is more then good enough for me.
But I am more sad because truthfully sometimes I feel he don't understand me like he used too be.
And I am really sad because last time, he would not just hung up,
He would wait until I speak and really understand and clear everything up
And make me happy again,
And make me laugh again,
And make me smile again,
Then will he hung up.
But now that is no more.
I bow my head and agree with that.
Because maybe that is  him the whole time.
Is just that when he was chasing he have to force himself to understand me,
When he have had me he don't have to try so hard anymore.
Its sad,
Its heartbreaking,
But maybe I got everything wrong.
Maybe Its me who don't understand him.

And I'm truly sorry.
Everyone is not perfect so do I,
So do him.
I accept that and I understand that.
That is why I let it be.
I closed the box and put it in my shelf,
Of all the other sad boxes that's in my head,
Hoping that I would not open it ever again,
Hoping that time will pass,


Hoping it to be forgotten through time,
And it will be forgotten through time.









Because love is there,
To make the sad box turn into a happy box.

Will Always Be Loved and Remembered

   Ever heard the song Candle in the wind by Elton John? It was a tribute for Lady Diana, the princess of England. When Lady Diana died on 31 August 1997, the whole world weep endless tears. Even me who live half across the world from England felt the lost of England. How she live her life helping others and how she inspire a lot of people around the world, would never be forgotten by her people and the world. 

   

  Today 15 March 2012 mark a history  to a person life as well as his family members and relatives because today is the day where my honey has lost his dear beloved mother. It was a very shocking news to all of them especially Jr and his brother who at that time is nowhere near their mother. Endless tears a shed for this lovely women who went through a lot in her lifetime. Had raised three wonderful children and had raised two sons that today had become a man. Today she had passed on to be with the Almighty God. 

   She may not be the princess England, adored by millions of people all around the world, but she is adored very much by her husband and three children and the people around her that knows her. She may not be the England's Rose but she is the rose in this four lives that she had taken care with her whole heart until her dying hour. 

    A mother who loves her family so very much that until the end did not want to make  her two sons worry, a mother who worried on the well being of her younger daughter who did not want to leave her side and a wife who loves her husband with her whole heart, who had stayed beside him until the end. To her youngest daughter who is only 9 years old, I think this was the hardest part for her to leave behind. But God have plan and loves her so much that God call upon her to come into his kingdom and leave behind her precious jewels. However she knows that her precious jewels will always be taken care of because she will always be watching over them all the time. Only this time, God is with her watching over her precious jewels. The love of a mother is so big that no one would know how to describe it. So big and so magnificent that it can only be felt by the heart of a husband and especially the heart of her three children.

   Goodbye England's Rose 

   May you ever grow in our hearts

   You were the grace that placed itself

   Where lives were torn apart

   Goodbye England's rose

   From a country lost without your soul

  Who'll miss the wings of your compassion 

   More than you'll ever know

   

   The last verse of the song, she may not be famous and known world wide but she is still the queen of the heart of Jr, his brother, his little sister and their father. She will grow like a rose in the people heart that she had touch. For a family lost without her soul, who'll miss the wings of her compassion, more then she'll ever know. Seems like to them she lived her life like a candle in the wind , never fading with the sunset, when the rain set in and her footsteps will always fall in the heart of the people that loves her, her candle's burned out long before, she's a legend and ever will. She's wife and also a mother of three children, she would sadly be missed and always be remembered by them. Her soul would rest in peace knowing the people around her loves her so much and nothing is regretted. 

    

Is This What It is.

   

The Portrait of The Praying Hand

My story has nothing to do with this portrait. Its more likely on what my feeling is during this moment of dread. 

   I'll be lying if I said I'm not afraid on what is happening.I feel that if don't talk about it I'm going to explode. Since recently I've been into a lot of a really really thick soup now is another triple thick soup I have to swim across. why oh why??? Am I like this. Why??? I keep asking myself that. Am I changing to be a bad person, am I beginning to fear everything?? I keep asking myself this since I got a vary alarming phone call from my friend this   evening.  When I think and re-think back on what I was doing this whole time I realize I needed salvation. I needed someone to save me but I know no one can save me but me myself. I have done a lot of thing that is bad no worst and I'm really afraid that God is offended by my action. I keep asking forgiveness from Him and let me repent my wrong doing but I cannot control myself I keep on doing the wrong things. Please oh please God I'm truly sorry for my action. In this truly bad situation, I began to think who am I now? What happen to the once fearless me?? Then When I remember back those time when me was once was fearless, that was the time where I know whatever I do, I know what I was doing. That no matter what direction when people shoot at me, I could manage to stop the bullet or at least know how to dodge that bullet. Now what I know is when bullet is coming my way I began to shake, my mind becomes crowded and cloudy, thinking what I should do. Why? Why am I like this?

   

   With this question popping up in my mind, I began to analyse where I did wrong or what should I change. Then it came to me, that is my punishment asking me to repent and do good once again? I know it sound cliche but this is what I feel. I believe this a turning point where I should better. But how? how do I be better? Stop on whatever I am doing???

   

   I wanted to tell people on what I'm thinking and feeling but I hate it when they say "Its gonna be alright" those comforting word as to say. From them, this will not work at me until, I have found a loop hole a hole or even a tiny ant hole of a way to solve this problem. Until I can see that I will survive. Then I will start to calm down. Then those word of "Its gonna be alright" meant something to me. 

  Last time my biggest problem always stays at home and when I return to my university, I feel I can breath again. But now my problem are revolving around my university which is a burden to me because I can not run away because I spend five days a week in this place and only two days at home. 

   Then I asked myself again, what do I fear so much that it hurt my gut? Then I realize, I was afraid I couldn't deliver my family expectation on me. Hey lets not talk about family expectation. what about how to survive in this cruel world? What if I couldn't graduate and I was being disown by own family because of not reaching their expectation. What would I do then? I have no Idea.