Is This What It is.

   

The Portrait of The Praying Hand

My story has nothing to do with this portrait. Its more likely on what my feeling is during this moment of dread. 

   I'll be lying if I said I'm not afraid on what is happening.I feel that if don't talk about it I'm going to explode. Since recently I've been into a lot of a really really thick soup now is another triple thick soup I have to swim across. why oh why??? Am I like this. Why??? I keep asking myself that. Am I changing to be a bad person, am I beginning to fear everything?? I keep asking myself this since I got a vary alarming phone call from my friend this   evening.  When I think and re-think back on what I was doing this whole time I realize I needed salvation. I needed someone to save me but I know no one can save me but me myself. I have done a lot of thing that is bad no worst and I'm really afraid that God is offended by my action. I keep asking forgiveness from Him and let me repent my wrong doing but I cannot control myself I keep on doing the wrong things. Please oh please God I'm truly sorry for my action. In this truly bad situation, I began to think who am I now? What happen to the once fearless me?? Then When I remember back those time when me was once was fearless, that was the time where I know whatever I do, I know what I was doing. That no matter what direction when people shoot at me, I could manage to stop the bullet or at least know how to dodge that bullet. Now what I know is when bullet is coming my way I began to shake, my mind becomes crowded and cloudy, thinking what I should do. Why? Why am I like this?

   

   With this question popping up in my mind, I began to analyse where I did wrong or what should I change. Then it came to me, that is my punishment asking me to repent and do good once again? I know it sound cliche but this is what I feel. I believe this a turning point where I should better. But how? how do I be better? Stop on whatever I am doing???

   

   I wanted to tell people on what I'm thinking and feeling but I hate it when they say "Its gonna be alright" those comforting word as to say. From them, this will not work at me until, I have found a loop hole a hole or even a tiny ant hole of a way to solve this problem. Until I can see that I will survive. Then I will start to calm down. Then those word of "Its gonna be alright" meant something to me. 

  Last time my biggest problem always stays at home and when I return to my university, I feel I can breath again. But now my problem are revolving around my university which is a burden to me because I can not run away because I spend five days a week in this place and only two days at home. 

   Then I asked myself again, what do I fear so much that it hurt my gut? Then I realize, I was afraid I couldn't deliver my family expectation on me. Hey lets not talk about family expectation. what about how to survive in this cruel world? What if I couldn't graduate and I was being disown by own family because of not reaching their expectation. What would I do then? I have no Idea.