Thursday, 27 December 2012

It does matter



How it is that one person can change everything? Your thinking, your mood, your attitude and even your decisions that may or may not put you in life or death situation, and what is actually I’m trying to say here? Maybe is something that got to do with unsatisfied feelings or it is about really it.


How do you feel being around a person who is a party pooper? Or shall I say a person whom drags down happy, cheerful mood to the ground.
for once really dislike this type of people. Maybe because I’m the type of person who like to be in happy, cheerful mood, who does not right? Maybe an emo person would disagree with my statement. But hey, people have their own opinion and so do I.


Being sad I one thing. Being said and effecting people around you by showing your mood that you are sad or dissatisfied is something else. I truly believe that when you are sad, you should not show people that your grieving because by showing that you are sad, people around you will be sad too because they are worried and sad because of you and thus, all mood will be down and atmosphere will be awkward and heavy.   





Sometimes, we can be sick and tired because of work and stuff but that does not mean that you have the right to complain that you do not want to do it and let other people do your work. The next person, who you appoint to do your work, maybe is more tired and sick than you do but that person decided, not to show it because that person knows and understand more than you that if feelings are shown, more hearts will broken. Sacrifices must be made to gain certain balances in life, is which sacrifice you want to make to make a difference in a person life.

 








Maybe I’m wrong and maybe I’m right, but who knows. A friend once told me that I am too idealistic, that I live in an idealistic world, in terms that I act or practice of envisioning things in an ideal form. Even if I do envision things in an ideal form, I didn’t force people to follow my vision instead I let them choose which ever they choose to believe. In a sense, maybe I envision thing in an ideal way so I can have some sort of a guide line that I can follow.


Truth be told here, I am sick and tired of patty complain and selfishness. I know I do it sometimes, but at least I recognize my fault, and try to do something about it. Instead of recognizing it, knows that it is a bad thing to do but still refuse to see your own fault and still believe that you are right even though you know so much that you are wrong, it is just that you wouldn’t want to admit it. Some say it is pride, but I say it is true.
 
Creating a balance is hard and I know that. One thing for sure, I know that I am your balance but it would be nice sometimes if you can pick up those little stones that have fallen on the ground and put it back on my shoulder so I don’t have to bend my already painful, tired, bended knees to pick up those stones while carrying my stones as well as your stones on my back. I could use a little hand sometimes so I can keep on walking forward for your sake as well as mine.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Boxes

My mind are organized in boxes,
So that I don't mix around my thoughts and feelings.
There are sad box and happy box.
Tonight another sad box are created to be pun with the other sad boxes of my life.
The because I know I'm not perfect and I'm sorry for hurting you box.
When I think of who I am, I'm thinking that I don't deserve with anyone.
I have flaws  in every possible aspect of my life.
In every imperfection of who I am,
Someone is willing to accept me,
And i'm grateful for that.
Is it right to put expectation on the person you love?
Maybe its wrong to expect form them.
Why because a person once told me that,
In a relationship if you put expectation, then it will sooner or later crumble down.
I believe in that.
Did I change?
Am I being who I am?
Am I demanding too much?
I'm starting to think that I'm a pest in a person life.
But then again, sometimes you have to demand so that people will know what you want.
I'm not sure of anything anymore.
I cried because I feel what I'm saying is not being understood.
I cried because I know I'm hurting him badly.
I cried because I was me.
Both of us want it to end,
The dissatisfaction, the tension between us.
But I was hurting no matter what he says.
And when he reads this post,
He will ask himself 'is he good enough?'
I am sad because I don't deserve him.
He is more then good enough for me.
But I am more sad because truthfully sometimes I feel he don't understand me like he used too be.
And I am really sad because last time, he would not just hung up,
He would wait until I speak and really understand and clear everything up
And make me happy again,
And make me laugh again,
And make me smile again,
Then will he hung up.
But now that is no more.
I bow my head and agree with that.
Because maybe that is  him the whole time.
Is just that when he was chasing he have to force himself to understand me,
When he have had me he don't have to try so hard anymore.
Its sad,
Its heartbreaking,
But maybe I got everything wrong.
Maybe Its me who don't understand him.
And I'm truly sorry.
Everyone is not perfect so do I,
So do him.
I accept that and I understand that.
That is why I let it be.
I closed the box and put it in my shelf,
Of all the other sad boxes that's in my head,
Hoping that I would not open it ever again,
Hoping that time will pass,


Hoping it to be forgotten through time,
And it will be forgotten through time.









Because love is there,
To make the sad box turn into a happy box.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Will Always Be Loved and Remembered

   Ever heard the song Candle in the wind by Elton John? It was a tribute for Lady Diana, the princess of England. When Lady Diana died on 31 August 1997, the whole world weep endless tears. Even me who live half across the world from England felt the lost of England. How she live her life helping others and how she inspire a lot of people around the world, would never be forgotten by her people and the world. 
   

  Today 15 March 2012 mark a history  to a person life as well as his family members and relatives because today is the day where my honey has lost his dear beloved mother. It was a very shocking news to all of them especially Jr and his brother who at that time is nowhere near their mother. Endless tears a shed for this lovely women who went through a lot in her lifetime. Had raised three wonderful children and had raised two sons that today had become a man. Today she had passed on to be with the Almighty God. 

   She may not be the princess England, adored by millions of people all around the world, but she is adored very much by her husband and three children and the people around her that knows her. She may not be the England's Rose but she is the rose in this four lives that she had taken care with her whole heart until her dying hour. 





    A mother who loves her family so very much that until the end did not want to make  her two sons worry, a mother who worried on the well being of her younger daughter who did not want to leave her side and a wife who loves her husband with her whole heart, who had stayed beside him until the end. To her youngest daughter who is only 9 years old, I think this was the hardest part for her to leave behind. But God have plan and loves her so much that God call upon her to come into his kingdom and leave behind her precious jewels. However she knows that her precious jewels will always be taken care of because she will always be watching over them all the time. Only this time, God is with her watching over her precious jewels. The love of a mother is so big that no one would know how to describe it. So big and so magnificent that it can only be felt by the heart of a husband and especially the heart of her three children.

   Goodbye England's Rose 
   May you ever grow in our hearts
   You were the grace that placed itself
   Where lives were torn apart
   Goodbye England's rose
   From a country lost without your soul
  Who'll miss the wings of your compassion 
   More than you'll ever know
   
   The last verse of the song, she may not be famous and known world wide but she is still the queen of the heart of Jr, his brother, his little sister and their father. She will grow like a rose in the people heart that she had touch. For a family lost without her soul, who'll miss the wings of her compassion, more then she'll ever know. Seems like to them she lived her life like a candle in the wind , never fading with the sunset, when the rain set in and her footsteps will always fall in the heart of the people that loves her, her candle's burned out long before, she's a legend and ever will. She's wife and also a mother of three children, she would sadly be missed and always be remembered by them. Her soul would rest in peace knowing the people around her loves her so much and nothing is regretted. 
    

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Is This What It is.

   
The Portrait of The Praying Hand

My story has nothing to do with this portrait. Its more likely on what my feeling is during this moment of dread. 

   I'll be lying if I said I'm not afraid on what is happening.I feel that if don't talk about it I'm going to explode. Since recently I've been into a lot of a really really thick soup now is another triple thick soup I have to swim across. why oh why??? Am I like this. Why??? I keep asking myself that. Am I changing to be a bad person, am I beginning to fear everything?? I keep asking myself this since I got a vary alarming phone call from my friend this   evening.  When I think and re-think back on what I was doing this whole time I realize I needed salvation. I needed someone to save me but I know no one can save me but me myself. I have done a lot of thing that is bad no worst and I'm really afraid that God is offended by my action. I keep asking forgiveness from Him and let me repent my wrong doing but I cannot control myself I keep on doing the wrong things. Please oh please God I'm truly sorry for my action. In this truly bad situation, I began to think who am I now? What happen to the once fearless me?? Then When I remember back those time when me was once was fearless, that was the time where I know whatever I do, I know what I was doing. That no matter what direction when people shoot at me, I could manage to stop the bullet or at least know how to dodge that bullet. Now what I know is when bullet is coming my way I began to shake, my mind becomes crowded and cloudy, thinking what I should do. Why? Why am I like this?
   
   With this question popping up in my mind, I began to analyse where I did wrong or what should I change. Then it came to me, that is my punishment asking me to repent and do good once again? I know it sound cliche but this is what I feel. I believe this a turning point where I should better. But how? how do I be better? Stop on whatever I am doing???
   
   I wanted to tell people on what I'm thinking and feeling but I hate it when they say "Its gonna be alright" those comforting word as to say. From them, this will not work at me until, I have found a loop hole a hole or even a tiny ant hole of a way to solve this problem. Until I can see that I will survive. Then I will start to calm down. Then those word of "Its gonna be alright" meant something to me. 

  Last time my biggest problem always stays at home and when I return to my university, I feel I can breath again. But now my problem are revolving around my university which is a burden to me because I can not run away because I spend five days a week in this place and only two days at home. 

   Then I asked myself again, what do I fear so much that it hurt my gut? Then I realize, I was afraid I couldn't deliver my family expectation on me. Hey lets not talk about family expectation. what about how to survive in this cruel world? What if I couldn't graduate and I was being disown by own family because of not reaching their expectation. What would I do then? I have no Idea. 

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

The Little Thing That I Can Do.

Have you ever wonder when you love someone soo much you wanted to give everything you can and you know your not a billionaire or a superhuman that have superpower and what you can do is very limited. Then you begin to think what can you do in your limited power to make the one you love happy? with so little to offer.

I am from the same group of people where my power is limited and of coz I'm not the daughter of a billionaire. The one thing that i know  to make the one that i love happy in times of sadness, is not by cheering them up with expensive gifts or carrying them a brand new BMW with one arm while flying in the air using  my superhuman ability to entertain them so they laugh until they cannot breath, but simply make them smile and forget for a little moment that they are in sadness and there is this small light of happiness even thought they are in total darkness. To make them feel good with just being with me of who i am.

then what happen if you cannot make the one that you love  smile anymore? the only thing that you can do is the only thing that you cannot do. what do i do then?

I feel depress. Really depress because i believe in  my everyday life that i would want to make a person smile regardless on who they are and i always do that and i always succeed  in doing that. Now i fell it no more. Am i losing it? Am i losing myself of who i am? is it because of what I'm dealing now is affecting who i am?  i don't feel like I'm making other people happy, i don’t feel like I am me and most importantly i cannot make the one i love smile in his time of need and i call myself his special someone.

i do love him soo much but if i cannot make him smile in his time of need then I'm afraid I'm not the one for him. if i cannot even make him smile then how am i going to keep what we have alive? its a very long journey for us and both party have to do their own part. so even the smallest thing of making him smile i cannot do, then what can i do for him? seems like nothing and this is killing me.

When we were still friend, he told me that i make him smile or make him laugh when he was down and i did it unconsciously. i was happy that i made a person's day a little brighter when it was dark. but now when i am with him, i cannot even make him smile the thought of this makes me sad. the only thing i can think to comfort myself is that he need time and i understand that. But all i want do is to make you smile and nothing else.

I know I'm not rich or own a superhuman power, there is nothing else I want to do except make you smile.

Friday, 2 September 2011

Not sure anymore

Sometimes I feel that its better to be alone then to have a  partner with you or someone that is really close to you that is the opposite gender. I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way but I’m in they way feeling like that. Maybe because it uses a lot of your emotion. Sometimes I feel its a good feeling having someone that actually looking after you and care for you. Maybe I’m just not used of people taking care of me or maybe it just save all the heartache and headache.

I’m not sure if people realize this about me. But I assume the people do know it that I am an achiever. I strive hard, I work hard and push hard just to achieve something that is  now my education and stuff that I have to handle recently. The stuff that I have to handle is something that if offside actually. My main objective in a university is study and that’s all but seems like I get myself tangle in a web of things that is hard for me to do. Its not that i cannot do it, its just to much to do and I’m pouring all my energy and my heart out in each and everything that is there to do which is very tiring indeed.

For people that don’t really know this one fact, and its a very sad thing that I do. I actually sacrifice love in order to achieve something. namely all the above that I have stated in my upper paragraph and sadly, I get so used of it that I thought I don’t really need it. I give out love as much as I can and I really really like doing it. I give but don’t receive, its ok by me.. I admit, accepting love it is really a bit hard because of my previous statement before. But I’m not rejecting love a hundred percent. I’m just putting it on hold for just a while. I do want to fall in love and start a family of my own in future. Just not now.

I know some people will say, what kind of a person who rejected love. How about when there is a person who is willingly to offer security, his world and his love. Will you reject him as well? answer to that question is, I’m not sure anymore. In my mind, I always thought that no want to be with me or assume it to be so and this somehow would make my life a bit more easier and it did. But now, like I say I’m not that sure anymore.

All I can do now is just let it be and see where d winds blows..

 

 

Thursday, 1 September 2011

A tangle web in my head.

More and more each day, I begin to feel tired with my routine. I woke up then I do a little thing for myself like playing games or anything that interest me. Then in the middle of the day when I think I should start on doing my work, suddenly I was told or I just realise I got something to do. Thinking that I might have time to finish my work by the end of the day but sadly by the end of the day, I got so tired on what i was doing for the whole day that when I reach home all I want to do is sleep and rest my body and I never had the chance to actually sit and do my work. This really worries me a lot..huhu

That is one problem that I’m facing this holiday. Another problem is, I have so much to do, I don’t know which one to settle first or I do know which one is more important but how do you manage when everything that you are require to do, all have to be hand in the same week or the same day. Really exhausting! or maybe its just me.

Some people… no a lot of people tell me “you have to learn to prioritize” my respond was. I know! don’t you know I’m trying really freaking hard to do it. But of cause I don’t say it like that in front of them. Nanti sakit hati la pula.. Main point is I’m trying but my ‘trying’ is maybe not good enough for some people and I do feel that my ‘trying is not good enough’ Do know how depressing that feels? Gosh!

My head now is like a tangle web of spider. Even the spider web is not as tangle as my head. If they were, the spider will die in its own web. Seriously! and that is how tangle my head is. I have a lot to catch and do at the same time its like here and there stuff that is to be done. Wanted to seek for help from my friends but this thing that have to be done can only be done by me and no one else. This  is so frustrating…

More and more, I feel like I’m losing myself. Seems like I don’t have enough time for myself. God grant us 24hrs a day to spend it and they say, its more  then enough. But I say, 24hrs is not enough unless you’re a ‘bat’. Not a ‘bat’, a vampire more classy..hahaha but the kind of vampire that don’t sleep in the morning also. Then 24hrs is enough to do all that is needed to be done. But sorry to shatter all that beautiful dream of wanting to be come a vampire so that I could actually have enough time to finish my work because I’m a human being that need sleep and pretty much a fish and veggie eater then a blood sucker…hahaha

Gosh! merapu-rapu me in here..hahaha

Anyhow and anyway, I have to stop now. If I keep on complaining and pouring my heart out in this blog, the place ain’t big enough and my finger is not fit enough to type so many stuff in here. Then why the hell am I posting this then?

Hey they say its fun to write down your feelings sometime. Maybe I am doing it right now…